Sometimes I wanna just throw in the towel and quit trying. Its so hard to keep going, so many emotions run through me constantly. I try not to be ruled by them, but sometimes I cant help it and I end up feeling like a child craving attention. Sometimes all I want is to spend time with someone. Whats dangerous is that when I am constantly feeling alone the desire to spend time with someone  becomes the desire to spend time with anyone. Lately I have been dealing with anger and hurts involving old issues. Its stupid really because I feel like I am in a pitstop and everytime I think something is fixed I find out it wasnt fixed just temporarily sustained. My issues with people are getting to me. Some say God is all you need but if that is so why did He make us to function together instead of alone. Why do people talk like their spiritual family is important or say God will fill the void of your natural family. If you are like me it seems no spiritual family will ever fill the void. So I am left with trying to let God do it. Frankly what I have is emptiness. Emptiness that gnaws at me sometimes. It makes me feel like such a fool for longing to have what others have. Even anger sometimes at people for thinking I have no ideal what its like to have family like they have. Its stupid really, I dont know what its like to have their family. Oh but what I would give to try it out. To be truly valued as a daughter. Given the time and attention due to a wife. Or the friendship of a sister. Or the concern of an aunt. In my world these things dont exsist in the natural. And in the spiritual God gives me crumbs here and there to keep me going and begging for what my heart aches for. Now my thought is to just brush this crap off and go. Otherwise I will never get free. I dont even know what freedom for me looks like. My dumb flesh is in the way and I cant see passed my crap. rrrr. Why? I sometimes think I used to be stronger than this but really I was just a volcano ready to explode. So now I keep getting the overflow of it all. God I am thirsty for a solution. You are the only solution safe enough. Everything else I crave might send me straight to oppression. So since I am depressed already, I will leave the other alone. So honestly I guess I have lots of unresolved anger. Sometimes for prides sake I dont like to admit I am angry. But today I am stepping out.

Abba I am angry. My life hurts. People judge me. I never want to reach out for help to far because I know eventually its too much for them. I know I am to rely on you and not man. Its so lonely though God. Why was this my lot? What did I do to be born to this place. I need help pass this. My heart is so sick of going through the same hurt over and over. Not all is bad Lord but right now its what hurts that has my attention. What do I do with this. If ever I needed you its today. If ever I needed a friend its now. Not someone who has to fix it just someone to listen. To be ok. If I need to talk it out. Not some one who thinks: "here we go again." Really you have made me strong in someways because I can keep going even though I dont always want to or think I can. It just seems like these things hurt alot and I dont know what you want me to fill the holes up with. Sometimes I wish I could be strong enough that nothing could get me down. But in the end I need You to give me the freedom to take your yoke and burden. Someday I want to be the one to help and not to need.

amen

Abba,

Right now I am simply amazed. It feels like we have finally found a calm in the storm. Help me to grow a passion for You and the things of the spirit. Help me to put away the things of the flesh. Let me yearn and crave the Scriptures as though my natural life depended on it. Thank you family in strange places. So this counsling thing is hard to figure out. Even though You already know it is definitely stretching my fear factors. I am son nerveous when I go in there its irritating. Maybe next time could you give me your peace so I can sit still. I hate it when I fidget. Feels like Im a bipolar terrettes moran. Father I love You and want to be where You are. Keep me on this straight and narrow path. Help my flesh to submit to the Spirit. Why is it when people say good things about me its so hard to believe. Someone says I'm beautiful I am thinking they need glasses. Someone says I see potetial I think yeah OK cant they see the muddy mess I am stuck in?

All I want is to  be what You want me too be. Your word says nothing is impossible, I claim that. It is possible to have a right relationship with You first and others as well.

Love,

Jessy Marie

ABBA,

ITS BEEN A COUPLE DAYS SINCE I WROTE. TONIGHT I DECIDED TO PUSH THROUGH THE MEDICINAL FOG. IT HONESTLY HAS BEEN A GOOD COUPLE OF DAYS. ITS AMAZING REALLY. SO GLAD OUR FEELINGS ARE NOT WHAT DETERMINE OUR PATHS WE TAKE, AS WE RELINQUISH THE CONTROL TO YOU. ITS LIKE I CAN FEEL A LINE BETWEEN WHAT I AM FEELING AND THE TRUTH. ALTHOUGH I STILL FEEL DEPRESSED, I DONT FEEL THIRSTY FOR ALCOHOL. ITS AS THOUGH I CAN TRULY SAY I HUNGER AND THIRST AFTER RIGHTEOUSNESS. THE FLESH IN ME KNOWS WE THIRST, IT JUST DOESNT UNDERSTAND WHAT I THIRST FOR. THANK YOU ABBA FOR BEING HERE WITH ME. STRANGE THOUGHT I GOT THE SHAKES DURING PRAYER TODAY. WAS THAT YOUR PRESENCE? I FELT SOMETHING. SOMETIMES ABBA I KNOW YOU'RE THERE AND OTHER TIMES I AM JUST LIKE PETER SINKING IN THE WATER. HELP ME NOT TO BE A DRAG OR BURDEN ON ANYONE. HELP ME TO KEEP LOOKING TO YOU FOR MY AFFIRMATIONS. HELP TO ACCEPT PEOPLE WITH THE SAME MERCY YOU ACCEPT ME. CONTINUE TO CLEANSE MY LIPS AND IN THIS CASE MY HANDS SO THAT YOU ARE GLORIFIED IN WORDS SPOKEN OR WRITTEN. YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL ABBA ITS BREATHTAKING SEEING YOU IN YOUR CREATION. HOW CAN I DO ANYTHING BUT PRAISE YOU. LIGHT MY PATH AND LET ME KEEP MY FEET CEMENTED TO YOUR FOUNDATION. I PRAY THAT MY MIND WOULD LINE UP WITH MY SOUL AND MY SOUL WOULD LINE UP WITH MY SPIRIT AND MY SPIRIT WITH THE HOLY SPIRIT. HELP ME NOT BE SUCH AN EMOTIONAL BEING. HELP MY SPIRIT MAN TO RAISE UP IN ME.

GOOD NIGHT ABBA THANK YOU FOR LETTING THE STARS SHINE UNHINDERED TONIGHT